What Am I doing?.......

Wonder if anyone else ever asks themselves this question? If you say "no" you are either a liar or I am a NUT!!! I think everyone does at one stage or another. If not, well, I'm sure the men in white coats will find me eventually. I was just watching my 2 boys wrestle and throw any thing they could get their hands on at each other..Yes, I was watching not interfering...No one was crying yet and I was always told "no, stop that , don't do that" by my father and I refuse to do it constantly to my own. Any way, I was wondering ."What in the hell am I doing here, at home, washing, cleaning, cleaning up and looking after three kids?" how in the hell did it get to this?
Yes, I know how it happened but when you consider a 30yr old who had career, good $$$ and outside interests who considered a visit from her 10 and 8 year old nieces a perfect reason for birth control and WHY NOT to have children...Who now has three kids and is a SAHM..What happened in my mind to get me to this point?

I never was really attracted to kids and the idea of giving birth was more than I could bear (get it LOL) I think I was all "mothered" out in my late teens as I spent almost all my summer holidays at my cousins looking after her four boys (9,2x6 and a 3 yrs old) I liked them but they were little beasts, now over twenty years on they still talk of stealing my clothes whilst I was in the shower and putting them in the front yard. The smell of baby poo, baby chuck and all the sounds, smells and sights my new mums friends raved about was a loss to me..it was poo, chuck and such...Get over it, I thought.

I know I was on Canberra for work, commuting back and forth on weekends or flying hubby up when I thought ...Was this all I wanted to do all my life..I could not envisage myself doing the same thing in a decades time. We had been married six years by then, had paid a substantial chunk out of the house and had most of what we needed ...So I thought we might like to have a baby...We had spoke of this and it was a sort of "on the agenda but not ready type of thing" I don't think any one is ready for a baby or the idea of creating one.

Now as I remember the sights, sensations, smells, feelings, and everything else that goes with the pregnancy , birth and watching a baby grow and develop.. I think there could be nothing else in the world I could have wanted or needed more. It is an experience in itself and individual to each person.

Funny, how if a little person comes into your life; you tend to see the upheaval or the joy; bit like glass half empty or half full; I remember for the first time not giving a stuff about the washing, ironing or the state of the house (except the floors if baby was on them) I took on the mantra of "Don't sweat the small stuff, and it's all small stuff"

I still get uptight about mess and toys tipped out for no reason, but I like to think that what I'm doing is to help three kids grow and develop at their own individual rates and stages, to learn about things in their own time and way, the encourage a healthy love of learning, but most of all to just be there to wipe away the tears, kiss the sweaty foreheads, hug the fears away and to put my nose to their hair and try and remember the smell of innocence.